Intuition or Anxiety?

I have a story to write about from what happened to me this morning. And the reason I'm sharing this, is because it pushed me down a rabbit hole of thoughts. First for context, I don't go back to teaching until January 22nd, and I've only had 3 days off since we've been home from our trip to DC. For the first 2 days, I felt great, was so excited to relax, but also got a lot of catch up work done around the apartment. Then day 3 hit, and I fell into my typical habits of couch rotting and feeling lonely, bored, lazy, unmotivated, and essentially just stuck. That evening, while confiding in my wonderful husband, he suggested that I have a plan for the next day because he knows that helps me get out of these moods. So, I start creating a plan and Clayton suggests I go on a hike by myself at the state park down the road from our apartment. I love this idea, sounds great to be outside with this nice weather, and add it to my list. 

Fast forward to this morning. I am completing my to-do list, following my plan, and get to the state park and start walking down a trail. Clayton and I have been here a few times, but I never thought about the logistics or taken in my surroundings as much as I am now that I'm alone. Even though it's bright out and 12pm, I can't help but notice how I am only surrounded by trees. No houses, streets, or any other buildings. As I'm walking down the trail, I get almost 10 minutes in before I start to feel like this was a very bad idea. I start to think that I intentionally put myself in the middle of this forest, by myself. I can't just shut off my brain like I would if Clayton was hiking with me. If anything were to happen, I would be solely responsible for my own safety. At this point, my brain is going a million miles a minute, and the weirdest thoughts are entering my brain. Bouncing between criminal minds episodes, to a Tana Mongeau stalker story I heard a few years ago, Caitlyn (Clayton's sister) telling me not to go on a run outside when it's dark, and so many different women who have preached how important it is to trust your intuition. So, as you can probably guess, I turned around and sped walked back to my car. This walk back honestly was terrible as my brain immediately jumped to the worst scenario of me dying in the woods and all my loved ones dealing with this terrible news. 

As I was walking back, I would have all these irrational thoughts, but then my more sensible side would make me think I was acting in a "better safe than sorry" mentality. I'm also consistently wondering if intuition is even a real thing. I know lots of people (especially women) preach how important intuition is, how strong of a sense it is, and how much you need to listen to it. But I've never felt like someone who had a strong sense of intuition. My decision, as well as the thoughts leading me to that conclusion, could be argued as listening to my intuition, or just my fears and anxiety creeping in. 

Once I got back to the car, I continued to sit there for a few minutes, gathering my thoughts and just sitting with my feelings. Right as I'm about to leave, I see this guy walking out the same trail I was on, and continues to walk past the parking lot to another part of the forest. Now, this man was probably a nice man that was not going to kidnap me, BUT YOU NEVER KNOW. Seeing this man 5 minutes behind me on the trail made my conflicting thoughts even stronger. Was seeing him confirming that it was my intuition that something or someone was going to be dangerous? Or was I making this random stranger, who could've been the best guy out there, to be something to be afraid of or look out for for no reason? And I know you're probably thinking, "Kya, this was not a near-death experience. Why have you rambled on for 4 long paragraphs about nothing?". To me, this has very little to do about the story I just told, but about the feelings and thoughts that I have that I didn't realize I had. 

I feel like I am naturally an emotional person and an emotional thinker. So typically, I push to think very logically to compensate this. Logically, I feel like intuition doesn't make sense. Intuition in your brain is the same side of your brain that powers your imagination and your emotional thinking. Not the side with logical and analytical thinking. And to me, that makes me think that any "intuition" I think I have, is just my imagination. I would love for a scientist to explain intuition to me because I don't know how it works. 

I also feel like you don't have to be a feminist to realize that into intuition is mainly just talked about with women because we typically feel more at danger than men. There are more physical threats for women (especially one that's 5'4" with no awareness) than men which causes us to think about situations more cautiously. Which is just sad. It's just crazy that I either have these fearful thoughts because 1: This world is a dangerous place, and I have to think this way to be safe 2: Stories and experiences from others push me to think this way even though it's not necessary or 3: I just have anxiety. Honestly, none of these answers are great. I don't like feeling like I can't do something I want to do until Clayton gets home, or until my friend is off work. 

I don't know if there's a point to this blog post, other than it helping me think through a few of the chaotic thoughts that are in my brain today. If anyone believes in intuition, let me know.