My 100%

 The more I grow up, the more I start to “figure myself out”. Just things about myself I’ve always been confused about, and then I start to have even more questions. For example, growing up I wanted to try every extracurricular activity. Even after I tried them all, I wanted to continue them all instead of putting 100% into just one. Logically, I always knew that picking one would result in me being better at it so that I could focus all my efforts towards it. But I could never get myself to do it. I’ve been the same way with my career. I purposefully tried to pick a job that would essentially allow me to have all the variety I want. Again, I know that picking a different career would make me more money or I could devote more energy to it, but I couldn’t get myself to do it. 

I’ve been trying to figure out why I am this way. I’m actually so torn on if being like this is a positive or negative for me. Positively, I know I just love to do and want to do so many different things with my life, which of course is a good thing. I want to play every sport, learn every hobby, be a great teacher, have 30 different side hustles, cook every night, become a mom, have a great marriage, etc, which is good. I know it’s good! But recently I’ve been feeling the negatives. 

Every day I am trying to get better at all the aspects of my life. My main few each day are cooking, cleaning, teaching, working out, and socializing. These are very basic things that everyone is juggling, but I can never get all of them to 100% no matter how hard I try! I swear the one day I do extra lesson prep, I’m too tired to workout. Or the day I get all the groceries for the week, the apartment is still messy. Or the week I’ve been consistent with working out, I haven’t gone out and done anything fun for myself. It’s exhausting wanting to do so many things and to be great at them, leaving me constantly feeling like I’m failing at least one of them.

What’s super frustrating about this is that I also can’t handle not doing any of these things, or even picking just one of them. It’s leaving me feeling like there’s no winning because either way there’s part of me that is not thriving. I have so many ideas with my career and just my life in general that would add so much variety for me which I always have wanted and prioritized. But how can I want to do that when I am not perfecting the easy day to day tasks?

Moral of the story, if I want to do 30 things at once, chances are that I’m not doing my best at one or more of them. I’ve been trying to get myself out of this mindset, but there’s also a part of me that thinks it’s productive to think this way. I was listening to a podcast about healthy stress, and healthy stress is what leads to the most success. Without the pressure to keep working towards all aspects of my life, wouldn’t I just be slacking off and not be doing the best I can? I’m just trying to make sure that I’m not pushing this into unhealthy stress for literally no reason. 

Also, could not be more excited to finish out the little bit of work before my long Christmas break and my track-out break! I know if someone else was telling me these thoughts about their life, I’d tell them to calm down and that they’re doing fine. So don’t judge me, I’m thinking the same thing myself. 

Also, Clayton and I went to the beach over the Thanksgiving break and boy do I love the beach. There’s something so peaceful and joyful about it. I could sit there at any season, any day, and just listen to the waves. Will always be a beach girl foreva.