My Beliefs

Today I had a random urge to write about my thoughts and feelings, utilizing this blog as an outlet. Today I have been having strong feelings of appreciation and gratitude for my life with Clayton. I can not believe how lucky I was to have met him in our circumstances. From being raised in completely different places, meeting somewhere we both thought we’d never end up, and now building a life together across the country. Today we spent the day completely relaxing with nothing on the agenda. We went to the pool and talked for hours just swimming. People always told me about relationships where they could just talk and laugh hysterically for hours on end, which I never experienced until I met Clayton. I couldn’t even relay what we talked about but we never stopped talking and laughing.

For so many years, I struggled with finding a best friend. I had good friends in middle school that I thought were my whole world, but randomly decided to cut me out. Even doing so in the horrific way of trashing me in a google form sent to everyone in the group. It's funny now but it wasn't then haha. A few years later I open up again to friends where I was so close with them throughout high school. Again,  randomly one day cutting me out my senior year with a text message and ignoring me at school. I still worry about trusting people I let into my life because I know they can just abandon me at any minute. But how have I never felt this fear when it comes to Clayton?

Whenever people ask me for relationship advice, I always tell them that any relationship can work, but some relationships are just easier. I truly believe this. When I was younger I would’ve put my life on the line defending that soulmates are real and that there is one perfect person for everyone. I think there are many people that you can be compatible with, or even just make things work with. But you can do yourself a favor and choose someone who will make your life better. Choosing someone who works hard, passionately loves, is committed, fun spirited, and so much more. Again, so lucky I made the right choice.

When thinking about how Clayton and I met, it makes it hard to not believe in God. Going to BYUI pushed me far from the lds church that I had been raised in. Even pushing me to question whether I believed in God. When thinking about having kids in the future, it’s scary to think about making the decision as to how to go about religion as a family. Having someone like Clayton as my husband helps me know that all of those scary decisions will work out. Throughout the years, I have gone from being a completely devoted lds member, to being 100% against any religion, to now believing in God as a personal belief and comfort for myself. And somehow through all my extreme changes, Clayton has whole heartedly been on my side. Worrying about what I believe in is silly when all Clayton needs to believe in is me. 

Sometimes I worry that Clayton and I will change as we grow up, possibly becoming two people that suddenly don't work together anymore. I have seen so many people change who they are completely without meaning to. This has probably been my greatest fear for the future since I've met Clayton. But recently, I've been noticing how silly this fear is. I have changed so much since I met Clayton when I was freshly 18, and somehow we fall more and more in love with each other every day. I like to believe that people are adaptable to each other's changes if they are committed, curious, and accepting. Now I want to change this fear of change into an excitement because so far, the change has been good. 

Anyways, just feeling wholesome recently and wanted to write all this down. Hopefully I can keep this optimism up about life haha. Also, I hate that most people only share the bad and negatives about life when they journal or express their feelings. I did that in all my old journals and it's really depressing to look back on because I know there were many good memories throughout the years too.