Confidence

 Recently I have been thinking about confidence. This is something that I have excelled at but have also extremely struggled with throughout my life. It also involves one of my most terrible memories (and best memories) of growing up. So let's sort through my thoughts. 

When I was little, being confident was one of my strongest personality traits. I always thought I was the smartest in the class (and if I wasn't, I knew I would become it). I got perfect grades in everything I did. I was super competitive in the sports I played, and knew that I was an asset to my team. I also wanted to play every sport and be the best. 

When I think of confidence, I always think back to my dad. He's the type of parent that always told me about all the amazing things about me and I always believed him. Maybe I took it to heart because I was more of a daddy's girl, but he's also just like that. No matter what stage of life I was in, he always had that constant awe about me and who I was. I wonder if this is where I got all my confidence from. 

I distinctly remember when I was in middle school, people around me got very insecure. I remember girls talking about how they were starving themselves because they hated how they looked. I remember thinking they were crazy, and I didn't understand how someone could view themselves so negatively. I remember girls talking about how no boys would ever like them because of x, y, and z, and I pretended to relate, but I didn't truly feel that way (probably again because of my parents). 

Near the end of 8th grade, I feel like there was kind of a pivotal change for me that I didn't really process until years later. I've talked about how all my friends randomly dropped me from the friend group and I didn't know why. This was the first big hit to my confidence. I suddenly felt so depressed and so alone. I remember thinking that girls around me were just attention seeking and I remember complaining about it because I just couldn't relate. My mom would tell me that people who are attention seeking are acting that way because they are lacking attention in one way or another. I don't know why that never occurred to me. I didn't understand until I felt so terrible about myself, questioning everything I thought was true. 

If all these amazing things that my dad tells me about myself are true, they wouldn't have left me out like this. 

Yes, life got better and I made new friends, but I never really got that confidence completely back after that. Maybe I was more confident than some people around me, but I definitely wasn't the most confident person in the room anymore. It wasn't until the summer before Junior year of high school that I realized how far I had gone. 

Sports had been my life for so long. I'd always loved sports, and it gave me a healthy outlet where I could work towards something that was competitive and fun. Because I loved playing sports, the anxiety and the lack of confidence inside of me kind of slipped in without me realizing it. I've always had anxious tendencies about certain things, but it was not a common thing for me.

It was a few weeks before school was starting and my mom signed me up for volleyball camp at the high school. I did this camp the year before and I was truly excited to play. I loved volleyball and I still do. I didn't really have any negative thoughts about playing, and if I did, I just pushed them off until the first day of this camp. 

I honestly am having a hard time remembering every detail because of how terrible this day was for me. I walk into the gym for the first day of camp, grab my name tag, and am talking to the coaches and some girls at my school. I can not for the life of me remember what the sign in girl said, something about getting my measurements for the coaches, or needing to write down my best skills/position, something weird that I was hesitant about, and I just started to spiral. I literally do not know why I reacted this way internally, I must've already been feeling this way deep down. I just told the lady I forgot to fill my water bottle, went outside, and left the building. I was uncontrollably sobbing. At this age, I also didn't cry that often like my friends did, so I was surprised when this was happening to me. I started walking the campus crying, until I realized that one of my good friends lived across the street from the school. I felt too embarrassed and not ready to talk to my parents about the situation, so I decided it would be a good idea to hang out at her house and wait there until the camp was over. I didn't know if this freak out meant I was having a bad day, or if I was going to quit volleyball, and I knew that was what my parents were going to ask me. 

I knew my parents tracked my location, so I thought that me staying at my friends house would be close enough for them not to question anything. I did not consider that the camp could call my parents to let them know I never showed up. My mom calls me mad that I lied and that she spent money for me to do this camp and I didn't even show up (valid). I didn't want my mom to come pick me up because I knew she was mad so I texted my dad. I asked if he would come pick me up and not tell my mom. And bless my dad's heart for trying his best to respect my wishes, but obviously everyone in my household knew what was going on. Mainly because I didn't do things like this. I didn't lie to my parents, I loved playing sports and would never choose to skip. I was the confident girl with no issues like my friends. But here I was doing all of these things. 

The big wake up call for me was when my dad showed up to pick me up. I remember thinking of what I would tell him when he showed up, practicing it, thinking of a way to make sure he could understand how I was feeling. But I didn't even understand how I was feeling. As soon as I got in the car, I started balling. I honestly don't even remember our conversation except for when he said "what happened to the confident girl you've always been?" I must've just been word vomiting thoughts in my head, but I honestly was speechless when he asked me this. 

Where did all my confidence go? 

I honestly feel like for the next few years, my confidence was pretty stagnant. Yes, I felt a relief of quitting volleyball, but I still felt a huge weight of sadness that I wasn't playing the sport I loved. I also just lost my confidence for school, friendships, relationships, the whole nine yards. Covid happening very soon after this was also not helpful. 

I didn't start to build my confidence back up until I started college. Meeting Clayton, beginning to study teaching, being on my own, and probably just growing up, helped a lot. Today I was thinking about how far I've come. Yes, my siblings still think of me as the dumb child, but each day I'm pushing farther away from that negative connotation. Now, will I ever be as confident as I was when I was in elementary, probably not. But holy cow I am so thankful that I am not as confident as I was in high school. And the confidence I have now isn't blind, it is built on my experiences and on the hard work that I've put towards it. And that feels really good. I am super confident in my abilities as an educator, as a wife, and as a person. 

It makes me really sad thinking back to how I felt for those few years, but I guess all my experiences and feelings were needed to get to where I am today. Also, I love my parents and I am so grateful for them more than they will ever know.